In the initial hours, days and weeks after the death by suicide of her partner Steve, Julia Hetherton struggled to see how she would make her way through the overwhelming pain.
Steve’s death was emotionally devastating to Julia, to his family, to all that loved him: the grief was heart-wrenching, the guilt was consuming, the despair all-encompassing.
The details of Steve’s death are still too painful for her to share, but she is ready to share a message of hope: that while you will never forget, there can be life after the death of a loved one by suicide.
Additionally, she wants people to know that help is available – to those who feel they want to end their lives and to those left behind in the aftermath of suicide.
Julia will be taking on a marathon challenge in November to raise awareness about the help which is available, including Norfolk-based support group Empathy and the Norwich Men’s Shed, which offers a community workshop for men to socialise in and learn new skills.
She will be running one marathon with brother-in-law Carl White and cycling another with him along Marriott’s Way afterwards on November 12, prior to holding a free tea and cake reception at The Assembly House for those who have been affected by suicide.
“I just wanted to do something that might help,” said Julia, “I want people to know that there are places to get help if you are feeling suicidal and there are also people you can talk to if someone you love has taken their life.
“When someone makes the decision to end their life it’s a very different kind of loss, and it feels like no one really understands you unless they’ve been there themselves.
“My family and friends were so kind to me and helped me so much, but talking to people who had gone through something similar was so helpful because they knew how it felt.
“So many things run through your mind - guilt, the constant need to replay what happened and the fear that you missed something that could have stopped it.”
Surviving the suicide of a loved one is a unique grief and the healing process in the aftermath is difficult and painful to navigate.
In addition to mourning a loss, those left behind often wrestle with a host of conflicting emotions and struggle to come to terms with the manner in which their loved one died.
“I have always been really strong and I have got through a lot in my life, but in the days that followed Steve’s death, I had no idea how I would get through,” said Julia, who is executive head chef at The Assembly House.
“You have to choose to carry on or you choose not to. I chose to carry on, but I also chose to look for help and it has made all the difference.
“Doing this is mainly for the people who are left behind. It’s part of my healing process – I feel like I need to do something because if I help even one person, then it will be worth it.”
Julia’s post-marathon(s) tea and cake gathering at The Assembly House’s Pierce Room will be on November 12 from 3pm to 5pm, it is free to attend.
“I thought it would be nice for people who have been affected by suicide to know that they’re not alone and that there are others who understand,” she said.
“It was getting back to work, having routines and talking that helped me and still helps me. It’s about having a life alongside the grief rather than trying to overcome it, but knowing you don’t have to do it on your own.”
Joy Cresswell’s voice fills with love as she talks about her son Ian: “He was affectionate, fun-loving, girls used to say he was like a magnet! He was popular, clever, and so generous.
“He used to say, ‘give me a hug, Mum!’ and lift me up and spin me round. He would help anyone, day or night. He was just lovely. I miss him so much.”
Ian Cresswell took his life at the age of 24 and Joy carries the pain of his loss 16 years ago alongside her every day: for her, helping others has been the key to finding a way to cope.
In the aftermath of Ian’s death, she found help in the Norfolk and Norwich Suicide Bereavement Support Group, now called Empathy, an organisation for those who have been bereaved through, or personally affected by, someone taking their own life.
She runs the group – initially run by Norman Smith, who sadly died in 2020 - with Kathryn Sault, who lost her sister Alison to suicide in 2016, offering vital support and understanding to others who have experienced this very particular kind of devastating loss.
Effective support after someone ends their life can help people to grieve and recover and is a critical element in preventing the ‘ripple effect’ of tragedy that can destroy more lives.
People bereaved by the sudden death of a loved one are 65 per cent more likely to attempt suicide if the deceased took their own life than if they died of natural causes: it highlights the vital importance of receiving the right kind of help.
“I felt suicidal after Ian’s death. It didn’t even occur to me that anyone could help me. And while I will never, ever get over this loss, I have found a way to carry on,” said Joy.
Empathy offers an initial one-to-one appointment for the bereaved and runs group sessions at Norwich and in Cromer. People can drop in at any point.
“There are no rules, no expectation that you need to share what has happened to you,” explained Joy, “everyone is different. Sometimes we speak to people immediately after a suicide, other times it can be many years later.
“It’s about helping people make sense of a tragedy in a way that suits them. Some people just text or email us and we never meet, others want to see you face-to-face.”
Initially self-funded (“we’re a relatively inexpensive operation”), there has been some very welcome financial aid from Norfolk County Council, Tesco, East of England Co-op Funeral Directors and Marlene’s School of Dance.
“For me, there’s comfort in helping other people,” said Joy, “in all of this, it’s the only thing that has made sense to me.”
You can contact Empathy at empathynorfolk@gmail.com or visit www.empathynorfolk.co.uk
You can contact the Samaritans free, day or night, 365 days a year on 116123 or email jo@samaritans.org.
How you can help if someone has lost a loved one through suicide
· Be mindful of the terminology you use, ‘commit’ suicide offends many survivors as taking your own life is not a crime
· It’s better to say something than nothing: if you don’t know what to say, try: “I am so sorry. I don’t know what I can say, but I want you to know that I am thinking of you and am here for you”
· Ask people how they would like to be communicated with: too many home visits can be overwhelming, ask if it’s easier to text or email
· Be careful what you say: do not suggest that as someone took their own life it’s somehow ‘better’ than other forms of dying and do not expect them to ‘get over it’
· Listen without judgement
· Share your positive, happy memories of the person who has died and remember them – never think that by mentioning someone who has taken their own life that you are ‘bringing up memories’. The people who are left behind never forget
· Empathy recommend a book called The Unique Grief of Suicide: Questions and Hope by Tom Smith as an excellent guide for those navigating the difficult path following the suicide of a loved one.
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